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Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

CREATING THE RELATIONSHIP YOU WANT WITH THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE. A BLOG ABOUT THE BOOK BY PAUL AXTELL0 notes & 0 Comments and 0 Reactions

July 6, 2012

You can text ‘I’m sorry’ if you have to…

This week in class we were working on the idea that sometimes we say things for which we need to apologize, and that it’s important to learn how to say “I’m sorry.”

After class, Luke came up to me and related this story:

Last night after my 15-year-old son’s soccer game, I told him that he wasn’t any good at playing goalie in soccer and perhaps he ought to give it up. While driving home, he found an opportunity to pay me back by telling me that I was a stupid driver. It wasn’t a good night.

So, on the last break, I sent a text to my son apologizing and then letting him know that not only was he good at soccer, I thought he could be awesome.

His text came back: Thanks, Dad. I think you are a good driver too! :)

Luke’s story reminded me of how I raised Jesse and Amy. I would sometimes say things to them that I didn’t mean and for which I did not apologize. Even though I knew I should, I would tell myself they knew I didn’t mean it.

Even if they did, it doesn’t matter. Actions don’t always speak louder than words. Saying “I’m sorry” is very powerful.

I think this is one way that texting can be useful. Many of us may be able to apologize in a text when we might be too uncomfortable to say “I’m sorry” face-to-face. And if texting helps get the practice of apologizing in place, eventually we will be able to say it in person.

“In the end, it doesn’t really matter why we say these things. The only thing that matters is noticing that we do and choosing to do it differently.”

Something to think about…

Keep in mind, everyone is a little bit scared and a whole lot proud—be gentle out there.

Is there anything that happened recently for which you might need to apologize?

— from page 108 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

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June 24, 2012

Questions for grandparents to consider…

There is an old saying: If you want to change your kids, change their playgrounds and their friends. The point is that if you put kids into a different environment, they will be influenced by that new environment.

I think this holds true for the conversations in which kids are growing up, and as grandparents, we have an opportunity to make that environment pretty special.

The starting place is to remind ourselves of how important we are to our grandchildren. Consider this series of questions. Which of your grandkids come to mind?

· Who looks up to you?

· Who would like to have more of a relationship with you?

· Who would like more of your time?

· Who is scared of you and more time with you would resolve this?

· Who is watching how you interact with the world?

· Who is disappointed when you don’t acknowledge their presence?

· Who would be thrilled if you asked them about…?

· Who takes everything you say (or don’t say) very personally?

· Who would like to teach you something?

· Who is affected if you’re not having a good day?

Perhaps working through these questions will prompt you to spend more time or interact differently with one of your grandchildren. Your thoughtful attention provides a new environment for your grandkids, one that can influence them powerfully as they grow.

Recently, someone shared with me a saying that was displayed in his daughter’s room:

To the world, you are just one person, but to one person, you are the world.

“Perhaps, if we change our conversations with our [grandkids], they will know they are loved and respected and valued for who they are. They will move in the world with confidence. They will be able to handle different kinds of playgrounds and friends. And they will have learned the skills they need to create wonderful relationships wherever they go.”

—from page 136 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

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June 14, 2012

Influence and choices

This morning I overheard a mother asking her 5- and 6-year-old boys how they would like to handle their 30 minutes of reading.

“Would you like to do 30 minutes at one time or 10 minutes at three times?”

So, the decision isn’t just about whether or not they want to read. The decision is about how they would like to handle the time.

This is an excellent way to give the boys a say, which makes them feel as if they have some influence or control in life.

“[Establishing the element of choice] is one of the more difficult ideas to put into practice. Early on, you can simply give your kids two options from which to choose. I like this. Young children begin to understand that there are usually options in life…. The point is that the discussion is less about the options and more about the freedom of choice. Kids feel better about themselves when they have the element of choice in their lives.” —from pages 114-15 of Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

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June 3, 2012

We all make mistakes

For a long time I thought I had these flaws—things about myself that weren’t consistent with the person I wanted to be.

I would say nasty things to my kids. I would have judgmental thoughts about others. Even worse, I would say them. I’d lie to my boss about having something done. I’d exaggerate my accomplishments to someone. You get the picture. Best I stop before you think I’m a bad person. Then I discovered that this isn’t necessarily limited to me. It’s about being human.

Barry Lopez, in Crossing Open Ground, says it beautifully. He’s describing his experience of an intaglio, a sculpture of a horse made up of stones on the desert floor.

“I spotted a stone tool at my feet. I stared at it a long while, more in awe than disbelief, before reaching out to pick it up. I turned it over in my left palm and took it between my fingers to feel its cutting edge. It is always difficult, especially with something so portable, to rechannel the desire to steal.”

With that sentence, Lopez became more than a gifted author for me. One of the things we admire about people is the ability to be vulnerable—to not have it all together all the time—to admit mistakes—to be human.

If I could raise my kids over, one thing I would do differently is to find many ways to share with them about my mistakes. I’d want them to get that it’s OK to be human.

Of course, it’s also important to remember the sign I saw at a church. “To be human explains so much but excuses so little.” To be great, one does really have to be responsible for it all.

“I believe the challenge of growing up would be easier if your kids knew that good people sometimes make mistakes or sometimes act in ways that are not acceptable. This is not so they have the freedom to be bad; rather, this ensures they don’t compound a mistake by beating themselves up for not being perfect or not meeting your expectations…”—from page 97, Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

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May 21, 2012

A note that reminds me why I wrote the book!

“Paul, your book Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids has taught me different ways to approach both my 5-year-old son and my fiancé.

“Recently, my son, Luke, has begun to play T-ball and he loves it. But he wants to be the catcher, and the coach says he just isn’t tall enough. So every day before practice, I remind Luke that his size doesn’t matter—he can be whatever he wants to be. And some days he adds, ‘Even a ballerina!’ I say, ‘Even a ballerina!’ He always replies, ‘NO! Mom, I was kidding!’”

You make decisions about your possibilities, capabilities, and limitations early in life based on what is said to you or in your presence.—from page 8

“In between T-ball practice, work, school, family, and wedding planning, I rarely have time to take a break and just listen. Recently, my fiancé and I decided to take an hour every day when we get home, ignore the things that need done, and just spend time together talking about our day. It has really improved our relationship, and I know more about him than I thought I could ever find out. Luke joins in these conversations sometimes, usually only for fifteen minutes or so, but it’s nice having his involvement as well.”

…slow down and just listen when listening is what is wanted and needed. So often that’s all our kids need—to be heard.
—from page 69

“As a family, we have been able to overcome issues that we were not speaking about before. Just the other day my fiancé told me he appreciated how I open up to him and that I let him know when and if something is bothering me. I enjoy that as well. No more lingering bitter feelings.

“Thank you.” —Lindsay

If you can talk openly and meaningfully about what matters, your relationships will be able to survive the difficulties that inevitably arise. —from page 8

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April 25, 2012

Paying attention… it’s never too late

I love the idea of shifting from distraction to attention. The following was shared with me by a mom of three who found simple attention to have a big impact.

If I am working one-on-one with my employees, I can listen to them with no distractions. But at home? I was terrible! I have a 10-year-old, and I think she has benefited most from my reading this book. When she comes into the room and wants to tell me about her day, I shut off the TV, I put down the laptop, and I focus only on her. What a difference! Now that she knows she has my attention, she tells me even more than ever!

“The first [way to communicate that you like your kids] is by paying close attention to your kids when they speak to you. Attention communicates that you care. Being inattentive or multitasking when they are speaking can signal that you don’t care or are not interested.”

—from page 35, Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

I also have 13- and 16-year-old boys. You were spot on in describing how we parent! We tell them what to do and yell at them when they mess up! I have changed my conversations with both of them. I no longer try to have the answer when they tell me things. I have started to ask questions to encourage them to tell me what they think should be done. This has been especially noticeable with my 16-year-old. He is starting to consider what college he wants to attend and what classes he needs for high school. Before, my approach would have been to tell him what he needed to do. Two weeks ago he was filling out his two-year plan for classes to finish high school. When he mentioned it, I started asking questions like, “What do you see yourself doing?” “What do you like in your classes now?” We had the first real conversation ever—and you are right, if we don’t help them learn to make decisions now, how do we expect them to know how when we aren’t there?

“When you ask others for their ideas, thoughts, and opinions in a sincere way, it honors not only who they are, but their ideas as well. The time to get [‘What do you think?’] into the set of questions that make up your family conversational practices is early, when children are small and willing to express themselves. Make this practice part of the fabric of your interactions, and it will be there during the teen years when it is even more critical.”

—from page 114, Ten Powerful Things to Say to Your Kids

I am far from mastering all the techniques, but the little changes so far have made such a difference in my life. I hope I am not too late to help my kids learn better behaviors when they are parents! ~Kelly

Footnote: The fact that these small changes made a big difference for Kelly’s family shows that it’s never too late! I love that the ideas in the book are so easy to implement. Paying attention—what a novel idea!

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March 20, 2012

My dad is super fast!

Recently I passed a boy of six or seven walking alongside a policeman. I’m not sure what conversation preceded this comment from the boy—“My dad is super fast!!!”—but the admiration for his dad was so evident.

As I walked on, I found myself wondering whether his dad was aware that he was a hero to his son…perhaps even a superhero! And whether he was taking advantage of this opportunity to talk to his son about what was important about growing up and being in the world.

I believe that we have influence with our children at every age—even as they become young adults and beyond. Still, there is no denying this special time in life when they respect us, look up to us, and take everything that we say and do so seriously.

What do you want your children to learn from you? What do you want them to learn about life and about how to deal with the world?

What do you want your kids to think about themselves? What qualities and characteristics do you want to reinforce?

You have the opportunity to make a conscious choice about what you want your kids to hear from you.

— excerpts from pages 4–5